We all live in a yellow submarine

Here’s my stab at sci-fi – circa 2008

My generation was becoming more and more passive by the day, it was a blind zombie world where anything goes and ignorance is bliss and all that jazz. It’s like the 1960s all over again, only now the rebels are the bebzi generation of UNfones with 3D calling, watching grotesque music videos of degenerate celebrities singing their latest mono-word songs about their bouncy cheeks and jumpy melons. Ten-year-old sexual escapades of cool while the big dogs watch their every move- trying to create the next big marketing psycho babble that appeals to those ten-year-olds.

“Losing my religion, what a classic” said Robin as she inhaled an electronic smoke-producing joint from the most organic synthetic smoke pharmacies can provide.

– “Wow that’s so new, I only listen to Bla Bla now. She’s like the grossest thing since Madonna” exclaimed Charlie, she was perky like that. Everyone was now, thanks to the nation’s happy pill, ironically called “Upload”.

Robin rolled her eyes and figuratively stuck a finger down her throat. How is her best friend her best friend, what is Charlie thinking? Lady Bla Bla is the best – that’s the new word for worst – in the history of celebrity failures. Her songs are nothing but her singing bla bla bla bla blaaaa the whole five seconds of the song. Yes five seconds was the limit of the B’s attention span. TV commercials, if there was a surviving human without ultra-violent connection to the satellite, were squashed down to one-tenth of a second. According to the marketing gurus this was the most efficient way of subliminal advertising, “divertising” your subconscious for one-tenth of a second so that it creates an idea deep inside your mind that will come out to crave the product. There were pills for that too, pills that enhance the product-craving hormone.

Charlie saw the face Robin made, “You and your new-old-school poop, it’s all a huge fart if you ask me, your whiny music from the past. I mean who gives a poop about some guy sitting on a couch singing about tomorrows dreams and today’s tragedies and all that…” she remarked with a flick of her wrist and a swoosh of her hair as she swiveled up and out of the room. She was getting really ignorant lately.

“Well I didn’t ask you did I” muttered Robin under her breath. Robin didn’t like this new alien spaceship trend of people wearing spandex white suits in hovering auto-driving cars that run on air. Yes, on air they realized, decades after the petroleum ran out and people where plugging their cars into wall-sockets and using premium cooking oil, that the answer was there all along; all around but no one could see it. Anyway one dufus, called Alus Gordus, stumbled upon the idea that all they really needed to do to save the planet was to recycle the air. So much of that crap that was being pumped into the atmosphere by our great-great grandparents could be filtered through a tiny little engine that instantly created the air-fuel. They called it Renewable Phart. “My dad keeps saying he came up with the idea years before the dufus came along when he tried farting into his empty fuel tank when he was stuck on the low -way.” Robin shared her dad’s story with everyone again, it was her way of trying to gain online popularity. He smoked a lot too back then, right after the World Virtual War.

After the war a lot of things changed. People changed, clothes changed, religion changed. It was no longer a church-run world, which became oh-so-last-century. The new-cent spirituality was based on the holy scriptures of the Alien called Mao Ham, which preached a far less negative and pessimistic view of the pre-Mao Ham myth of fake-sinners Evan and Adamme. The whole thing was a big set up as it turned out. Mariam was silenced for too long, said the More-slim faith-ers. Everyone knew she was the real thing all along, but it was kept a secret for centuries.  Anyway the lazy Sunday expired as we entered a globalized world of the couch-potato Friday prayer. I remember back in 2030 when I took Air-Alien  for the first time, since it was an Alien run airline company, there was a mandatory quick pre-flight prayer that was played in the aircraft moments before lift-off. They even gave us little food tray-rugs to put our elbows on. I thought it was a bit strange but I never guessed it would become a world-wide flight procedure. No one was listening when they said it was the fastest growing religion back then, so I learned in my history class on the one day I was paying attention. People in the central continent were still trying to exterminate Alien beliefs and tradition, by fighting it with their own fraudster religion. But people didn’t fully understand how fallible their scripture really was, I mean who was Jane really? Just another charismatic persona, just another popular girl in school that everyone followed. People loved Jane though, they worshipped the shizzelle out of her. They even celebrated her birthday as it if it were their birthday, flap I mean I wish everyone in the world lit candles for my birthday too.

Oh well people don’t even light candles anymore, it turned out that was harming our environment too. In fact people don’t really burn anything anymore. No more lighters, thanks to the invention of electronic gays, no more gas to be burnt, no more coal, no more Olympic flame – that’s a flame-saber now – no more trash left either because it was all sent to an artificial garbage planet they made to harbor the Earth’s trash. Wars don’t use fire either anymore, it’s all virtual attacks in nuclear proportions. The world powers now had the most massive weapon of them all, a click of a wireless mouse and a push of a virtual key could destroy the World Wide Web as we know it. It’s a big nightmare to everyone – we take special dreaming pills for that.

“I mean sure the Black-nobyl incident seemed like a big deal, especially when it hit Hyperima, but can you picture a world without technology, without automated cars, without electronic cigarettes, without handtops, without instant teleportation? What are you going to do without instant printable food! Wake up people this is a serious threat and people don’t seem to give a shizzelle!” it was my Professor again, his brain was a bit fried from the last Virtual War and he has been paranoid about everything ever since. My friend Alex nudged me and looked to the professor who was now jumping from the desk to desk scaring the living hair cells off the front row imitating an extinct animal – which he says is what we will look like one day – swinging his arms and screeching OO-A-A-A-A-A! ”Maybe he needs to download something.” said concerned Alex. I sighed and took out my UNfone to make my virtual contribution to human stupidity on the online 3D hologramedia site. The thing is you either have to sit back and relax or you have to be like that guy, that crazy obsessed conspiracy know-it-all who thinks that my life will be enlightened if I too obsess with how the world is going to flap us all from behind.

That’s what it has come to nowadays. Life as we know it is a constant connection to virtual communication through a wireless invisible cable that connects your brain to your comp, or handtop, and runs anti-virus checks on your organic system every night. I mean it seems that there really isn’t anything to be scared of or worried about really, technology has taken care of it all: health, wealth, love, consumerism whatever. I mean, whose interest is it in really for the super-powers to cut off the whole World Wide Web. Everyone needs it even the e-spiders need it. The poor professor had stopped plugging himself online for a year now, it’s really taking its toll on him, this abstinence from the virtual care-free life that everyone else is tuned into. His eyes are going all horrific too from reading all those dusty books. Dust is bad for you, there’s pills for that – to eliminate dust.

It seems that everything has flipped down-side up since the blue-ages. Ever since the earth did a somersault and flipped the magnetic sticks in 2012. Everything that was evil is now good, everything that was holy is now poop and everything that was human is now robotic. That’s why people started abusing substances again, I was amazed to read online that a literary prophet of the 20th century predicted that one day we would be popping pills to make us feel like happy bunnies all blind to reality, and I quote his famous words “Ignorance is strength” he wrote in the year 1984. He actually wrote that shizzelle. Amazing, Amazing!t… thought Robin as she opened her pill purse and grabbed a little yellow pill. “They call me mellow yellow” she started humming to herself. It was another one of those ancient Egyptian melodies when music was played by people not computers. She placed down her mat and switched on her UNphone and telepathically commanded it to play the happy prayer to induce the pill.

We all live in a yellow submarine.

A yellow submarine.

A yellow flapping submarine.

We all live in a yellow submarine…

And I’m a happy flaming pigeon.


This is supposed to excite your individual happiness receptors as a faithful hyper consumer, as the cereal box says, Happy living to you all you stupid poopers.



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